It's an amazing thing what a baby can do to your memory. When you have a night where baby is up from 2-6am crying and there is no consoling her, or when she constantly needs to be held and bounced during the day, leaving you a few minutes to run to the bathroom and think about brushing your teeth but then you reconsider because baby is crying and you aren't to the point where you can just let her do that yet, you think, why did we do this? How can I be honestly happy and feel fulfilled in this position? When will John and I have time for just John and I, without worrying about baby and giving all our attention to her? And then you come back to am I really that happy with this? And then the next day she is amazing. Happy, sleeping well and it seems like nothing has ever made you happier. Like nothing has ever done better things for your relationship, like there truly could not be a greater role than being a mother to this little girl and all you can remember is how great things are with this little stranger who is quickly becoming less and less of a stranger. And then you have a tough day again and you fall back but not quite as deep this time, but still have doubts and question what your life has come to, if you are really that satisfied. And then baby starts smiling and not just when she's falling asleep, we can actually make her smile when she's wide awake. Me smiling makes her smile and that alone makes me feel like I have the greatest power on earth. And she's really looking at us, looking right at me and when I move my head, she moves her eyes to follow me. She grabs my shirt when I feed her and nothing is greater than when she falls asleep on my chest. And again, you feel like this whole parenthood thing has been nothing but bliss the last 7 weeks. Anyway, the point is, it's not. But when baby girl lays her head in between your neck and your shoulder and puts her hand on your chest, the hard seems like the easiest thing when that is the reward.
YOU SAID IT SISTAH. It's crazy.
ReplyDeleteI was just talking to Dave about this last night. Well, crying to Dave about it... I was so tired of spending all day taking care of other people, and yet not feeling like anyone was getting the attention they needed, certainly not myself. Tired of that feeling that you're giving all you can, but that it's still not enough.
ReplyDeleteAnd then today I thought to myself how great it was that I got to sit on the bathroom floor blowing bubbles while my toddler sang in the tub and my freshly washed baby slept on a towel. (And then, of course, spit up all over himself.)
I think it's the plight of being a mom- this back and forth of wanting out and going all in.
Also, I love that picture.